THE TONY CLIFTON STORY

Tony walks off through the wings. The camera follows him and for the first time we are made aware of the fact that this is actually being filmed as it happens. A movie within a movie. Camera tremor is evident and we begin to see equipment and crew in the shot. Tony walks up to Zmuda, who appears taken aback with the authenticity of the moment.
TONY
(emotionally)
Zmuda, I thought you and I were
friends ... why didn't you tell me
this is what he was leadin' to?
Zmuda looks away, embarrassed. The camera pulls back, revealing the mike boom dangling over Tony's head. Tony runs out of the backstage door.
SLOW FADE
***************
FADE IN
INT. EDITING ROOM - KAUFMAN
the filmmaker, is seated at a Steenbeck editing console. Frozen on the console screen is the footage of what we have just seen. Kaufman turns straight to the camera and speaks:
ANDY
My name is Andy Kaufman, maker
of the film you are now watching,
“The Tony Clifton Story”. On
June 12, 1980, nine weeks into the
shooting ... and just three scenes
away from the completion of this
film ... Mr. Tony Clifton, at the
age of forty-five, died of cancer
at Cedar Sinai Hospital in
Hollywood, California. On June 26,
1980, Universal Pictures unanimously
decided to support the countless
actors, technicians, and various
other production staff members,
in the completion of
“The Tony Clifton Story”.
The camera moves in closer.
ANDY
In memory of Tony ... and in all due
respect to him and his family,
I decided the last remaining scenes
would be completed, as written,
with myself playing the role of ...
Mr. Tony Clifton.
FADE OUT

READER'S NOTE: From now until the end of the film, Andy not only plays himself, but also Tony Clifton. No attempt whatsoever has been made to make him look like Tony except for a moustache and hairpiece. Even the tuxedo hangs loosely from his frame. His portrayal of Tony is exaggerated, to say the least. The film continues where it just left off.

**************
FADE IN

EXT. STAGE DOOR - TONY

(played by Andy) running out of the door, into the rain. He hails a cab, jumps inside and speeds away.

....
MONTAGE OF CLIFTON MEMORABILIA

selling like hotcakes. Various shots of eager fans buying up Clifton records, dolls, posters, tuxedos, T-shirts, etc. Clifton dolls are literally being taken out of store windows ... shop keepers are shaking their heads “no” through locked doors.

INT. GYMNASIUM - A HUGE BANNER

stretched across the wall, reads: “TRIBUTE TO CLIFTON”. Zmuda, dressed in a peach tux, is talking over business with Kaufman.

ZMUDA
According to the latest sales figures ...
record sales have quadrupled in the last
week ... they can't press them fast enough.

ANDY
How are tickets going
for the Forest Lawn concert ...
(correcting himself)
... I mean, services?

ZMUDA
Went on sale at five-thirty this morning ...
sold out two hours later.

ANDY
Great! Release the rest to the scalpers,
at triple the price.

ZMUDA
Gotchya.
(starts to walk away)

ANDY
And do me a favor ...

ZMUDA
(stopping)
Sure, what?

ANDY
(referring to the tux)
Put on something else.

Zmuda leaves. Kaufman walks out onto the gym floor and blows a whistle. From his p.o.v., we see fifty Tony Clifton-Lookalikes lining up.

ANDY
Okay, let's try it again ...
and remember, men ...
it's up to you to keep the
legend of Tony alive ...
in every state of the Union.
They applaud exuberantly.

ANDY
First, the cigarettes and strut ...

They all take out cigarettes and light up.

ANDY
Okay ... Getcha hands off me.

CLIFTON-LOOKALIKES
(strutting)
Getcha hands off me.

ANDY
I'll call a cop.

CLIFTON-LOOKALIKES
(in unison)
I'll call a cop.

ANDY
So, I'm eatin' this bowl a noodles in Cologne ...

....



NEWSBOY
Extra ... extra ... read all about it ...
Clifton burial to be held ...

TONY
Hey, boy, come here.
The Newsboy walks over to Tony.

TONY
What's this all about?

NEWSBOY
Golly, mister. Haven't you heard ... they're
holdin' Tony Clifton's funeral tomorrow!

TONY
What are you talkin' about! ...
Give me one of those ...
(grabs paper; reads aloud)
“Services will be held tomorrow
for Tony Clifton ... Tickets can
be purchased through Kaufman
Productions.” Why, that creep ...
he's still cashin' in on me.
(to Newsboy)
By the way ... what are you doin' sellin'
papers in the middle of the jungle?

....


EXT. FOREST LAWN CEMETERY - NEXT DAY

We see a ludicrous granite statue of Tony pouring a glass of water over the head of John the Baptist. Camera opens up to reveal thousands of people, most of them wearing peach tuxes with black arm bands. A few fanatics are carrying signs that read, “TONY DIED FOR OUR SINS”. They have all come to pay their last respects. And pay they will, as the numerous ticket turnstiles can attest to. We see an expensive peach-colored casket sitting open. Lying inside is Tony's peach tuxedo. On the satin pillow we see the last remains of Tony Clifton -- moustache and toupee. Anna and the rest of the gang are present. Kaufman is about to give the eulogy ... he steps up to the podium and points to the organist, who starts playing.



ANDY
(laying it on thick)
We are all gathered here today to
bid one final farewell to Anthony
Sebastian Clifton -- who passed
from our midst far too soon. The
world has lost the greatest superstar
of all time ... and I ... have lost my ...
best friend.

Mourning in the b.g.

ANDY
But grieve not, my brothers, for
Tony need not be forgotten.
Fortunately, he can be remembered
forever ... through this magnificent ...
(pulls album out
from behind podium)
DOUBLE MEMORIAL ALBUM. Eighteen
ninety-five -- album. Twenty-one
ninety-five -- cassette tape.
With this priceless recording,
Tony's voice ...
(booming)
Will echo through the canyons and
resound from the hills, just as if ...

VOICE (o.s.)
(yelling)
You creep!

We see Tony charging over the hill riding an elephant, followed by the entire Ubangi tribe, in full war dress.

TONY
(yelling)
That's him, fellas -- grab him!

Natives run after Kaufman, screaming, “do-be-do-be-do”. The others present are speechless. Kaufman tries to escape only to be caught and dragged back to Tony.

ANDY
(pleading)
Tony, please! Look, I'll give you a
third of the money! I'm a nice guy ...
remember “dank you veddy much”?
TONY
Don't give me any a that crap,
Kaufman ... I've been waitin' ta
do this for a long time.
...
********************************************

THE TONY CLIFTON STORY,


(This is a Second Draft Screenplay, by Kaufman-Zmuda) - January 1, 1980

PRODUCERS: George Shapiro /Howard West

Transcribed by
DON ALEX HIXX
SUBTERRANEAN CINEMA
http://www.subcin.com

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